im tired of being "ok" when im not.
im tired of putting up a happy front when i feel otherwise.
i dont want to care what people think anymore.im tired of doing that.
i am bitter and i dont care if you think that's pathetic. that im pathetic.
heartless. cruel creatures.
you are all the same.
the burden of walking the extra mile is turning into a perfunctory routine.why does it always have to be like this? i am drained and well spent. those moments of useless introspection had instilled an irrational fear... fear of acknowledging a well kept and fatal vulnerability, vulnerability that had left a bitter taste i cant seem to eradicate.
WHY CANT YOU WALK THE EXTRA MILE FOR ME?
i am bone weary and broken.
more than a year already...and he still has the power to make me cry. again i am reminded not to be too trusting. and honestly, even though i am scared of growing up alone, which almost melted my resolve to stay single...almost... being reminded of the past strengthened my resolve to stay safe inspite of those absurd moments when i have the longing for a sincere relationship 
time is indeed a healer.
and considering the circumstances at present..
my conclusion that they're all the same stays true.
someone almost made me forget. someone almost made me believe.
almost.
novelty fades i guess and if there's anyone to be blamed...
that should be me.
gullible trusting me.
i cant help but severely reprove myself. my irritating susceptibility to getting fondly attached with people is taking its stressful (and sometimes a wee bit depressing) toll on me. these said people whom i unwittingly started to like as friends never stay. not that it's their choice. take my team supervisor at work for example. He is one of the most amiable, most understanding people i have ever met. inspite of my countless violations at work which includes no-call-no-show violations and numerous absences, not to mention my credit card prank i pulled on an irate customer (i am NOT apologetic about that!) and my habit of texting while at work, he is pretty much tolerant of my misgivings like an older brother. when he held a team meeting to inform us that he was actually promoted and that he would have to give us up to another supervisor, made me absurdly dispirited. and to be quite honest about it, we're not even close friends. i just got used to him being around and being my supervisor who always brightens the room with his infectious smile. im not the only one who felt this way, i can vouch for that. ask any of my team mates. funny though, his last word to me was "BEHAVE!"
a week after that, my favorite quality assurance officer informed me that he is being transferred to another account. at this time i cant help myself but utter helplessly "why is it that everyone i like never stayed?" this particular officer is very very friendly and would often crack witty jokes. He is as tolerant as my supervisor. He would ignore my mistakes AKA violations on my calls and would still give me a hundred percent grade as a rating. he assured me though that he would pick me up again as his agent if and when i transfer to the same account he's being transferred to. rubbish. might as well transfer to mars.
i can mention alot of people im quite fond of, my former roomates, former training batchmates at work, a particular chatmate and alot more. i dont know what is it with me. i have a hard time letting go of people. but i do get around with it once i get used to it. i know everything is temporary and yet i let myself get attached to them in a weird way. this is what irks me most.i envy this certain officemate who is very aloof and indifferent with people around her it almost harbors to being weird.
But I guess I would just have to be content with the fact that even though they never stayed, they made me happy. J
when will i ever learn?
maybe i wont. (and not by choice mind you!)
i would just have to live with that.
this is a sick and horrible routine that i get myself into when i thought that i had already fixed and redirected my life.
maybe this is infact an obvious sign that some things are really not meant for me.
even if that thing is one of the few things i have always wanted.
committing the same mistake the 2nd time around is not less painful. it is more aggravating because this time around, u have an inkling what the outcome would be. bloody, slow and excruciatingly painful. my masochistic tendencies is starting to manifest itself in the most detestable of manners. the intense need to take hold and put a reign on my unruly and obstinate feelings about something (or someone) is causing me too much anxiety much to my despair.
feelings of deja vu is starting to surreptitiously creep in.
and it scares me tremendously.
the last time i trusted someone, the last time i shared and unveiled the child within me, my worst fear was realized...
it is finally giving your trust to someone after being impossibly cautious, it is when you are able to finally share yourself openly, only to find out that you trusted the wrong person.
it took a gargatuan effort to build a personal barrier, an inpenetrable wall of defense to hinder intruders.again.
and although the unimaginable grief and the poignant ache is a distant memory now,it is a foreboding and bitter thought that still tastes bitter and would sporadically make it self known and reminisced quite sharply and vividly in the direst of times.
learning my lesson the hard way hardened and strengthened my resolve never...ever...commit the same mistakes again.
i should have been wiser.
i should have been more in control of myself.
it is not easy to put on a formidable and courageous hauteur when all i wanted is genuine affection. the deceptive facade is taking its toll on me.
fear is starting to grip me with its merciless, cruel and unforgiving claws.
i am afraid.
afraid that you will see the child within me.i am afraid that i will lose my novelty. i am afraid to completely trust again.
i am afraid that...
i would break again,
and never mend this time.
with that in mind, the most pragmatic and the best option as of the moment is very apparent...
i miss writing.
living in a dreamlike state is insidiously withering whatever is left of me.
what is left of me?
when one realizes that she has nothing to lose..or live for...one becomes horribly despondent. it will never cease to astound me that a person can actually shatter and completely ruin one's life without ever having any qualms or compunction.
im having a hard time writing.maybe i should stop agonizing and consuming emotions are starting to worm its way (albeit in a destructive way) .i think it's unhealthy.i buried these feelings of pain and anguish a long time ago. it took tremendous will and unimaginable grit on my part to cope up with this.
have i really coped up? will this be a perpetual inner struggle? will i still survive the harrowing aftershocks?
i endured enough.
i suffered enough.
stop.just please....
stop.
had you known what i went through... had you felt even a fragment of the grief and ache you evoked..maybe....just maybe you'll understand.
but right now i have to go back living a half life..and delude myself into believing that i actually have a life after "that" ...
after you...
one prank call at work made me clam up and turn me into an introspective hermit again.
he just asked a simple question that startled me.
one simple nonsensical question (which im sure was formulated from that lower head of his) that hit the mark.
men can be heartlessly cruel.
