Mind Whispers

committing the same mistake the 2nd time around is not less painful. it is more aggravating because this time around, u have an inkling what the outcome would be. bloody, slow and excruciatingly painful. my masochistic tendencies is starting to manifest itself in the most detestable of manners. the intense need to take hold and put a reign on my unruly and obstinate feelings about something (or someone) is causing me too much anxiety much to my despair.

feelings of deja vu is starting to surreptitiously creep in.

and it scares me tremendously.

the last time i trusted someone, the last time i shared and unveiled the child within me, my worst fear was realized...

it is finally giving your trust to someone after being impossibly cautious, it is when you are able to finally share yourself openly, only to find out that you trusted the wrong person.

it took a gargatuan effort to build a personal barrier, an inpenetrable wall of defense to hinder intruders.again.

and although the unimaginable grief and the poignant ache is a distant memory now,it is a foreboding and bitter thought that still tastes bitter and would sporadically make it self known and reminisced quite sharply and vividly in the direst of times.

learning my lesson the hard way hardened and strengthened my resolve never...ever...commit the same mistakes again.

i should have been wiser.

i should have been more in control of myself.

it is not easy to put on a formidable and courageous hauteur when all i wanted is genuine affection. the deceptive facade is taking its toll on me.

fear is starting to grip me with its merciless, cruel and unforgiving claws.

i am afraid.

afraid that you will see the child within me.i am afraid that i will lose my novelty. i am afraid to completely trust again.

i am afraid that...

i would break again,

and never mend this time.

with that in mind, the most pragmatic and the best option as of the moment is very apparent...