Mind Whispers

im feeling alot of mixed emotions right now. i just want to shut my eyes tightly and suppress the intense emotions welling up inside me. someone i feel very close to just showed up without so much of a "hi". i dont demand his full attention, knowing the circumstances he's in. but.... nevermind. i'll let things be. that's exactly what i had been doing alot lately....ignore and not mind things...my emotions.

anyhoo...i finally had the courage to face my fears and had enough balls to do something im trying to put off for a while...i finally braved a look on my ex's pic.i stared back at his smiling face.

he's like a stranger...

he IS a stranger...

i tried to decipher any semblance of depression. ok. i admit. just a tiny bit. maybe the thought that i loved and gave him so much back then (and will still love him a bit and he will still have that something i gave him) crossed my mind and left me breathless for a nanosecond.(pucha im teary eyed na naman.tangina...) hahah! im crazy..this has to stop..

im scared that i would not be able to trust anyone again.

they just all come and go...leaving me baffled and alone, trying to tend the hurt they caused.i realized that looking for someone who can emphatize and accepting the fact that there's no one available is much worse...much worse.

im not making any sense. better stop this before i embarass myself.

                          PJ MANION GUEST LOUNGE

                                    HALLWAY

                             AH...THE GYM...UNFAMILIAR PLACE.HAHAH

 HEHE.SORRY...IM JUST SOOO PROUND OF PJ MANSIONS. I LOVE IT HERE

it's raining very hard outside.im on letran grounds as of the moment.what are the odds that i'll forget my umbrella now (which btw i always bring along with me wherever i go)  just when i need it desperately?

ironically, it reminded me of the way how most of my friendships ended.

im realizing a lot of things lately which made me daydream awhile ago during my MIS class.

had i become someone bitter and heartless?

im not very fond of self scrutiny which always left me even more dazed and confused (while doing an imaginary head shake to pretend that i have the ability to ignore and shoo whatever confusing and unsettling thoughts im having.)

im tired of being used.

why is finally, after a relative amount of time being used, saying no to a particularly abusive friend rendered me feeling guilty at some point?

not to mention she ostensibly made it clear that it's exactly what she intended me to feel gauging by the things she said.

where i got the courage to finally say no, i still cant fathom.

frankly, im happy i did. i hate the thought of abandoning that particular friend. 3years of friendship is not something trivial as to impulsively vitiate a good relationship. not to mention i had often been the receiving end of that kind of abandonment that i know exactly and can deeply emphatize with how she feels.

but then again, 3 years of always being the one walking the extra mile...i think that would suffice to say i had enough. for once in my life, i felt i did something right...something that i deserve...

why do i feel like the most cruel person who ever walked on earth?

That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation.

When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over.

While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.

The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.

The way you think about things makes you a Linguistic Architect. This means you are brilliant when it comes to language and words. You are also very good at understanding things on an abstract level. You are at your best when you put those two skills together to communicate new ideas and see how they fit into different contexts. You understand math and science on a gut level, even if the equations and science don't come as easily. You can use these skills to be a great communicator or to create a masterpiece.

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I went home last night via cab to avoid wading my way through the blackish and frighteningly doubtful looking  flood waters (once is enough.if i dont die with leptospirosis, i'll die with paranoia). i went out with my cousin whom i havent seen for a while. i found out as we were nearing the entrance of PJ mansions that all the maids decided to "resign". they were all lined up outside the condominium, waiting for the harsh rain to abate, with their bags in tow .i can completely empathize with the situation they were in because it's basically about disappointments and expectations. the management promised to give them a raise but wasnt able to. they have every right to just leave without further ado. i know the feeling of wanting something so bad that you can almost taste it but found out the time u got a whiff that it's actually non existent. these maids...our "ates"are mostly single parents. (i wont rant about how men are such irresponsible, hateful and disgusting pigs.LOL) the maids need a raise. no question about that. i was contemplating how can the management allow such a thing (refusing and going back on theior word) when im a wee bit chummy with most of them and have known them to be compassionate and kind at heart. im at the dark regarding the reasons behind such a monumental decision. maybe it's just as simple as lack of funds.whatever the reason, the management may have had made an empty promise but i believe that the promise in question was made with good intentions in mind.

i woke up and did my usual routine of reading the news papers and checking my mails on the guest lounge... finding it horribly awkward and weird that there's no "ate" scurrying here and there every 3 minutes to get/fix/do something. the lounge was eerily silent which reminded me of an aftermath after a fatal storm. and to my horror, i saw PJ mansion management cleaning and cooking like nothing happened! my heart went out to them. theyre like wounded soldiers trying their best to function and operate during the direst of situations. even the korean owners were forced to clean our bathrooms and hallways.

the said situation made me realize that after a mess up...there's really nothing else to do but move on and cope up.  absurd analogy? to me it's not. it's really really difficult to start anew when it feels like youve been stripped off of something that u feel u cant live without and something youve come to rely and depend on. i really feel for them. they lost people, able and honest people, that they really needed for the operation of their dorm. right now, i'll just do my best to cooperate and lessen their worries and difficulties.