midterms week 
just a thought:
paano nagagawa ng tao ng bigla na lang hindi kausapin ang isang tao na nakasanayan na nyang kasama at kausap halos araw araw?
ako lang yata ang hindi nakakagawa ng ganuon. may mali yata sa akin. kailangan ko pa sigurong magpaka bato pa ng konti.
Ilang beses pa ba kailangang pumatak ang mga luhang hindi ko ginusto ng dahil sayo?
Hanggang kailan ko pa titiisin ang paninikip ng dibdib na animo'y bawat paghinga'y parusa tuwing dumadawit ang ala ala mo sa kamalayan ko?
Hanggang kailan ko pa pipigilan ang isipan ko na kahit saglit..kahit isang saglit lang.. makalimutan ang nakapanglulumong sakit na unti unting pumapatay sa pagkatao ko?
Habang may iluluha pa mga mata ko...
Habang ako'y humihinga pa...
Habang ang diwa ko ay patuloy na naglalakbay patungo sayo...
Damahin mo naman ang sakit
Ramdamin mo naman ang hirap
kahit konti lang
kahit isang saglit lang
pakiusap..
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Ladies and gentlemen...meet ria...my bestfriend
About Me:
im back (with vengeance?haha) from a long uncalled for hiatus.i admit im a wee bit complicated but predictable all the same.im oxymoronic as i have always described myself. i surprise myself most of the time. im naturally cynical. but my cynicism comes with a plausible reason. my constant combat with life tends to enervate me but today (08-04-05) i came up with a monumental decision that my inert views in life will be superseded with something optimistic for a change
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yes. something monumental occured to me today. probably the realization that i should just let go of things. of him. an inner peace encompassed me after having a very poignant conversation with him today which rendered me emotionally drained. it finally dawned on me that if i have a shred of pride, of self respect left in me, i better do what is fitting, what is right. and that's to let go of him. yes, i bawled my eyes out, inside the bathroom nonetheless, but the pain wasnt that intense anymore. i guess at the back of my mind the resignation regarding what happened finally wormed its way on the cloudy recesses of my so called mind. the saying that some things are better left unsaid proved to be correct. i am ok now. the call from convergys for final interview definitely helped regain what's left of my composure. so with a sad bitter smile (not to mention puffy eyes) and a steely resolve not to wallow on self pity again, i came out from the bathroom like a wounded soldier standing with dignity.haha! such theatrics! in any case, it's over. the days (months) of useless crying, almost feeling half dead, and living a life in a world half awake is over. i should know better not to set my hopes up for better days. but that's the only positive thing i can grasp as of the moment
...doing a secret blog. i have so many things in mind not for public consumption. it made me realize that i have too many skeletons in my closet. is that a bad thing? i guess so. but i hope not. i've done a lot of things i am ashamed of. my parents would kill me if they even have the slightest inkling as to what those things are. i am really trying my best not to succumb to regrets and self pity. but sometimes, being too optomistic and hopeful has its disadvantages. one of which is, it tends to blur reality.
i became too idealistic to a fault. entering into "things" that i know has nothing in it for me in the future and in the end, im always the one left feeling used and disappointed. my resolve not to commit the same mistakes again is as strong as ever. right now, i just need a friend who can understand. the problem is, i cant find one and im too tired of making any.
hindi ko na alam kung ano nararamdaman ko. isa lang ang sigurado ako.ang alam ko, hindi ako masaya. lahat ng mga kinakatakutan ko nung bata pa ako na mangyari sakin, iyon ngayon ang syang nangyayari at pakiramdam ko, wala akong magawa kung hindi maupo at panuurin ang unti unting pagka lugmok ko sa kawalan. alam kong may magagawa pa ko para masalba kung ano mang kabutihan at magandang pananaw ang natitira sa akin. at sa maniwala ka't sa hindi, ginagawa ko lahat. LAHAT. pero bakit parang kulang? bakit pakiramdam ko hindi na ako mabubuo pang muli? ano pa ba ang kulang? pano ko makukumpleto ang sarili ko?
bakit walang nakakaintindi?
bakit walang nagtagal?
sa tuwing may panibagong umaga, panibagong araw na naman ang bubuluin. panibagong araw na aasang may magandang mangyayari, ngunit pag uwi at pag himlay ko sa higaan upang magpahinga, hindi ko maiwasang maramdaman na isang araw na naman ang natapos na walang nangyari, ng wala akong nagawa. napapagod na ako ng mabuhay ng ganito. na laging nakangiti at nakatawa ngunit unti unting namamatay at nabubulok ang pagkatao ko sa loob. hindi magtatagal lalabas at lalabas ang kabulukang iyon naunti unting lumalason sa akin at wala na kong magagawa upang itago pa ito.
napapagod na kong makipag kaibigan.
ano pa ba ang silbi?lahat ng tiwala ko ay ibinuhos ko na sa mga nauna.
walang nag tagal.
kung kailan nangailangan ako ng kahit isang kaibigan lang, wala akong makita... walang nagpakita.
nakakapagod na. nakakapagod na. nakakapagod ng gumawa ng mabuti at magpakabuti lalo na kung ang bumabalik sayo ay puro pasakit. hinding hindi ako humingi kahit anong kapalit ngunit bakit ang bumabalik sakin ay ang mga bagay pa na lubhang kinatatakutan ko?
araw araw ko naiisip, ano bang meron ang buhay para sa akin? pag nakikita ko ang sarili ko sampung taon mula ngayon, bakit pakiramdam ko hindi pa rin ako sasaya?
bakit ang mga pangarap ko ay mistulang mga walang kwentang bato na lamang sa lansangan na paulit ulit na tinatapan ng mga taong mahahalaga sakin?
sasaya pa ba ako?
sigh... *stares blankly ahead* sigh.... if im a smoker i would be smoking right now, inhaling the nicotine filled stick deeply....playing with the smoke..
i did it again. stupid stupid stupid me.
change topic.im too depressed.
im crossing my fingers...hoping that i would be working by october. cross fingers with me guys.
