Mind Whispers

i dont feel that depressed anymore. yes i can still feel heart wrenching pain every now and then if i choose to (but i try not to) and the hurt  sometimes still makes me cry even in the middle of the class (or in the middle of anywhere at that) but i am better now. i guess ive come to finally accept what happened. painful as it is, i must really and simply move on and let go. as much as possible i try not to thrive on it but sudden sporadic flashbacks of him would leave me aching and breathless for awhile that it just sucks all my energy at that moment.

ive often wondered how long i would stay this way. maybe for a few more years. maybe i would just stay this way all of my life. morbid thoughts i know. believe me, i dont sound like this in person, on the contrary i have this carefree and (seemingly) strong personality as a facade.i dont know how else i would face people up if not like that. but everytime i see myself in the mirror, i look broken. no, not the pathetic puppy eyed look. i just know i am. i feel that i am. ive even resorted to smiling at myself in front of the mirror, trying to look genuinely happy and in the end i ended up crying. my eyes lack something. my whole being lacked something.

faith.

hope.

happiness.

a friend once told me that the first step in maturing is being able to acknowledge how one feels. ive done that so far and now all i have to figure out is what to do with that knowledge regarding my emotions.

ive learned a lot of things with what i went thru.ive been able to really understand human emotions and that i was able to emphatize with those people who experienced grief. i learned how to "feel". really "feel" and just be human.no amount of strong resolution and determination would steel myself from feeling pain.

ive come to form new perspectives in life.

i became too cautious to a fault. i want my feet on safe ground.

to you im just another heartbroken girl. to me i am a heartbroken girl with a promise not to commit the same mistakes again. even if it means that i should stay on this safe ground without taking any risks. i took the risk and it killed me.

it's amazing how blurred and dented the world looks on my view. i am bitter im aware of that. but i am trying as much as i can to be positive. ive never felt this pathetic in all my life. i never knew i would shed tears this much.(like now, im getting all worked up and teary eyed)

never again would i trust someone that much.

never again would i give myself completely. right now, im afraid i have nothing more to give.

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

clearly, clearly i remember
hiking up my skirt
and asking for your time

clearly, clearly i remember
nervous if ever confronted
and questioning myself

oh perhaps, perhaps if i got better
perhaps if i challenged myself
perhaps if i was...

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

clearly, clearly i remember
pulling up my shirt
and staring blank ahead

clearly, clearly i remember
days of useless crying
and almost feeling dead

oh perhaps, perhaps if i was smaller
perhaps i could control myself
perhaps if i was...

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

oooahhhh oooahhhh oooahhhh oooahhhh
just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

i miss you bhelat.

please come home.

i wish i can actually hug you and say thanks for the nice words you said to me.

...and for some of the greatest memories i had with you.

thanks for giving me one of the best friendships.

thank you for being a friend even though youre far away you still see to it that we communicate.

and most of all...

thanks for the chocolates...

sa uulitin.hahah! kidding bhelat.

you taught me not to be fooled by mere appearances.

look at you. kilos bata pero...

bata.haha!

honestly, sometimes u surprise me by your profoundness and insights.

thanks for commenting on my blog and making me feel good and making me cry at the same time.

youre one of the first people who saw me cry publicly.

do u know that?

i miss you baby.

miss ko pag tabi at pagsiksik mo sa bed ko (pano nga ba tayo nagkasya dun?) at pakikipagkulitan sakin.

miss ko pag punta natin sa baywalk at pangungulit sa taxi driver at waiter.

miss ko makipag videokehan sayo.

miss ko makipag chismisan sayo.

miss ko yung pagsasayaw mong censored.haha!

miss ko makita fon ko na pag pinahiram ko sayo punong puno na ng pics mo at naka wall paper pa.

i miss making you laugh.

i miss your jokes.

i miss you.

please tell me if ever you'll come home.

"nakakapagod na magisip at magalala para sa ibang tao na walang humpay ngunit yung ibang tao ay ni hindi ka man lang  makuhang isipin at kamustahin, ang masaklap pa nito, kakausapin ka lang pag may kailangan"

im ok. trying to be busy....pretending that i am busy...making a mountain out of a molehill just to distract myself from introspection.

i cant say i dont care on what others think of me...of the bad choices i made. i do care.no matter how sad that truth is. honestly?im sometimes embarassed that ive come of this age with nothing to prove to the world. i tend to belittle myself because of this. i turned 21 last summer and yet i still have a couple of years in college to finish. yes, to some it's a minor glitch to this horrible world.

to me it's a tragedy. my personal tragedy.

no. im not being pessimistic about this, infact im totally doing the opposite. some people dont realize how hard it is to wake up every day convincing and hyping up yourself to go through another day without feeling depressed about the obvious reminders that youve made such a failure of your life.

yes. i trasferred to another school. yes im taking up accountancy again. i cant take up nursing anymore.

i can name a friend who would snort at this info. (yes, what you think will affect me because youre supposed to be my friend ive trusted you alot, i opened up to you and confessed all of my misgivings. u know that the last thing i need is your condenscension.)

 studying nursing...it quenched an inner fire in me. looking back, although there's a little regret, i can proudly say that im glad i took up nursing. i met a lot of wonderful people. it brought back my faith. the experience basically gave me a lot of lessons... academically  and otherwise...even though some were learned in a painful way.

im currently studying in letran. and ironically, i found myself liking the environment. the teachers are just wonderful. my classmates (although not all) are overly friendly. the girl i just met in a class awhile ago offered me a ride home when it was raining hard...there's this other girl who invited me to lunch after 10mins of being seatmates...and then another girl on my other class insisted that i sit beside her. (we now go home together on a regular basis) an NCAA basketball varcity made me join their group during a feasibility study class. so thoughtful of him since im new and obviously doesnt know anyone else.(although im suspicious that the only reason he invited me in the group is that he thought im a genius.lol) in a silly way it made me smile. there are still wonderful people out there.

and there i was ... first day of school, steeling myself and being defensive... chanting a mantra that i wont give a shit if i'll never have a friend in there and that what matters most is that i graduate. true to my promise, i never even offered a smile and look what happened...i dont want to be too happy about the series of nice events that happened these past few days...but it's nice. it's....heartwarming.

im still waiting for some drawbacks. been there done that. feelings of dejavu is starting to creep in but this time im armed. hopefully im wiser. hopefully im more emotionally stable. i SHOULD be wiser. i SHOULD be more emotionally stable. at this point of my life, i shouldnt commit anymore glitches. i couldnt commit anymore glitches.

let's all keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best.