Mind Whispers

Sunday, March 13, 2005

just a thought.

it doesnt hurt that somebody left you out cold.

it is the fact that you gave the very essence of your being to someone,

the very thing that defines yourself

and he didnt even appreciate it.

he changed your life in just a blink of an eye

like a tiny drop that started an uncontrollable tremor on a lake,

disturbing the serenity and tranquility of a mundane life.

the most heartbreakingly painful of all this is the undeniable truth that

youre just someone he wouldnt even remember or reminisce in the future,

youre just a face he would put a name on.

and your world STILL revolves around him.


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Went shopping with baby. i would sure miss my roomates when i leave.they taught me how to act young.
Ive learned so many lessons during my stay here in manila. maybe another turning point in my life.ive made a lot of friends, an unbelievable feat for me due to my anti social streak. impossible but it happened.
i felt genuine concern.
i saw that there are still sincerely kind people out there and it makes me want be like them.
ive had great times here.
ive known what it felt like to be part of a group.
i fully grasped the idea of peer pressure.(haha! a late bloomer)
i experienced heartbreak, anxiousness, bitterness to a point that
i learned how to cry
heart wrenching type of crying.

most of all, i learned how to pray again.

bakit masyado akong huli kung makaramdam? masakit pa pala.akala ko hindi na. akala ko pag inisip kong hindi na masakit...hindi na talaga masakit.

mali ako.

parang isang bulok at patay na daga
na kahit anong tago mo ay mangangamoy at mangangamoy pa rin.

Buti pa ang bangungot.pag nagising ka, okey na ang lahat.isang panibagong araw na naman na parang wala lang nangyari. makakalimutan na ang lahat. kung matatandaan mo man ay mangingiti ka na lang at matatawa.iisiping "bakit ako mag aalala? bangungot lang naman yun at hindi pwedeng mangyari" palagay ang loob na imposibleng mangyari ang mga ganung bagay.

sana bangungot ka na lang.

woke up with the terrible urge to just slump in the floor and bawl my eyes out. i want to give in and breakdown.when will this end? every single day is a constant inner battle to go on and live my life for a day...even just for a day.

how can anyone start living an already ruined life?

i cant believe another sem has gone by. yet i am nowhere near the finish line.im doing ok this past year yet i could have exerted more effort. im in a point wherein i have to make a wise decision and all i can do now is wait for Divine intervention to support this big decision i have yet to make. i was weighing the pros and cons and it's making me plain insane about it so i'll leave it all to the Higher power to do the decision making. i am getting older and getting nowhere. and that truth tastes incredibly bitter. like a regurgitating bile stuck in the throat. i know im comparing myself to others but that is what keeps me on my feet.

im going home and will try to get the feel of a short vacation. indulge myself and watch dvds. it became a habit (watching numerous dvds during weekends which transforms my mom into a screaming hellion). it became a habit due to my pathetic attempt to distract myself from self pity. it worked for some weekends. most of the time it didnt.

i miss alot of people.

it scares me because im supposed to be apathetic. it scares me because i dont want to be emotionally attached to anyone anymore. it scares me because i dont think i can handle another hurt and i might break completely. it's becoming a terrible habit which is self destructing in the long run.i dont want that anymore. it is better that i keep my distance and control myself from needing anyone to talk to.(ergo, this blog) ive done that before. and i have to do that now.

if i were to describe myself in simple incoherent words...it would be....

got hurt.died a little.scarred for life.

.................................................................

desexy says:

"umm...well wat can i say...she's really tlnted whn it cmes 2 writng..i wsh gnon din me..ehehe.but sad to say,im not..nka2relate lng me s mga cnslat nya..well,obviously she's very inspired dba.mybe becoz of her expriences wid her past lovers esp kay...ahih and xmpre s mga frnds nya and grgeous rum8s.ehehehe.dat's why im proud n she's my rum8 and my frnd.and we wer wid her when she exprncd thse thngs..kht di nya kwn2 sken lhat kc baby pa dw me,e atlst ive witnssd her cryng and tearng her blnkt bcoz of ..scret.ehehe.well,continue inspiring oders through ur creatve writngs..alabyu a lot.tc!mwaaahh!!im gnna miss yah dis vction!tc"

i feel obliged to write her an equally touching (and not to mention a** licking words.haha! oopss! excuse the word.baby pa yan) testimonial sa tagboard.hahah! this kid will always be my favorite kid. a matured mind enclosed within voluptuous body that makes most men turn their heads to ogle her. compassionate and unbelievably intuitive for her age, she is blessed with a kind heart but a  wrathful anger when provoked.(which btw rarely happens and u really have to do something horrible to gain her angst) warm, receptive and genuinely concerned for her friends' welfare are some of her characteristics that i ostensibly noticed and bore into my mind. of course no one's perfect.she has her flaws too. an appetite of a mama bear (and im her sister bear when it comes to this.haha!) incredibly vain and narcissistic.hahah!but she has enough reasons to be vain. love you bhelat.thanks for giving me one of the best friendships ive experienced. continue making this world a nicer place to live with inspite of its horrors

im here in bulacan baby sitting my computer game addict 13yr old cousin.  (which to my opinion, doesnt need any more supervision.my goodness!when i was 13 i already know how to do almost everything WITHOUT supervision.i sure am not a spoiled brat.im just "spoiled" (spoilt?) in a different way.lolz )my back aches, my head is indescribably painful like someone whacked a metal chair on it  and im sleepy. im a whiner i know.so what? i dont have anything to say which has sense so better whine. and to top it all...i miss someone terribly  this is what u get for trusting.  u miss someone terribly and you feel alot of confusing emotions that u dont want to feel or acknowledge. i just wanna sleep.  <<this is exactly what i look like now.lolz.i need sleep.

ok.i am obviously playing with the smileys.arent they cute?

btw.here's my most recent pic

bloodshot eyes,messed up make up. witch like hair, i'll make a good horror movie character

should be a lesson well remembered. kung pwede lang isaksak sa kukute ko 'to. it's all starting up again. building up  friendships...expecting that these friends might actually.. sincerely care for you.

falling head first into the unknown....

tied my feet for protection

built an imaginary emotional wall to fend off harm

will see in the near future if there's a reason to be happy afterall

forgive me for holding back... 

i cant afford to get hurt anymore

i wont be able to take it anymore 

i'll break. 

NO MORE.  im safe.

they say that in life, there's always this one thing that will keep you going no matter how hard life seems to be. this one thing will keep you waking up in the morning with the drive and initiative to live and seize the day.something to live for. something to look forward to. the driving force in one's life.